Wednesday, 5 July 2017

The biggest adventure. I’m pregnant.

Once upon a time I fell head over heels in love with Asia and never looked back. I fell madly in love with the world, devoured every tropical fruit on the land and never looked back. There were so many highs: arriving in sun-drenched Fiji as a newly-wed, bathing an elephant in the rain in Chiang Mai, wandering around the streets of Hoi An in my own little picture-perfect story, flying to New York all by myself and living out my own version of Eat, Pray and Love in Ubud. Of course.

Whilst I lived for ‘the moment’ – the moment I returned home I felt absolutely drenched in regret. Because each time I wanted more. More travel, more stamps in my passport and all the time beating myself up that I hadn’t found what I was looking for.

Bali had been etched in my heart for years, drawn up on a bucket list compiled on the final leg of our 2014 honeymoon in Los Angeles three years earlier. I always had my heart set on this one. Well, my feeling was right. Because twelve days in beautiful Indonesia, was everything I had dreamt of. It felt grown up, and adult. All those trips before this one, had aided the knowledge of stepping foot into a completely different culture. Bali was magical, raw, authentic and just so beautiful. A real peace keeper, up-lifter and healer.

The moment I realised this was more than just a feeling, this was much bigger, was when we reached Pura Ulun Danu Bratan, arriving after being caught in a typical tropical storm, most of the day was gone, but we had got there, despite having to shelter underneath a tree, and riding miles on a scooter, we made it.

As we entered the park, and caught sight of the Temple, I felt butterflies in my tummy. This wasn’t just another tourist spot, this was more. When we got close, I remember being speechless and just absorbing the beauty in front of me. I counted each pillar with my finger, and then took some photographs on my camera. But, within seconds the sky suddenly changed, and the biggest rain cloud and mist drowned the backdrop. It was both surreal and eerie. This was real. I felt the most alive I had ever felt, this was NOW and I honestly believe that was the moment it hit me…

I’d found what I was looking for. 

I’d waited so long for this, naïve me believed it would have come on my honeymoon at sunset, or perhaps trekking in Thailand, or stood in-front of Tiffany’s in New York channelling Audrey, or swimming in the Blue Lagoon in Iceland, but it turns out all those times had contributed to this point. But, had only ever touched the service. Up until this point they had all become somewhat void.

When we arrived home in late April, the jet lag was fierce. But, something happened. I didn’t feel the same pain I had felt so many times before about wanting more, wanting to travel to another destination. I had overcome my own selfish attitude to life.
Maybe, just maybe Bali had changed my perspective on my own life. And all that desire had finally been let free.

A few weeks back into work, I felt an incredible tiredness, but I still put it down to jet lag. It felt as if it could have been a long overdue period. But, my period didn’t come that month…

The shock and numbness when I took a pregnancy test one Friday night and saw a positive on the digital display was sheer disbelief.  I had never believed it would be an eventuality one day.

When I began looking at dates and visited my doctor, the maths added up, it all pointed to one place… Bali. That moment when I stood in front of Pura Ulun Danu Bratan and the eternal happiness had washed over me, was now something SO much bigger, much clearer.
But, there it is. The proof that I have been searching for my entire life, all twenty-eight years… that dreams do exist. That they can surprise you even when you think you’ve used up all your dreams and you still want more.

I never knew how I would really feel about becoming pregnant. But, in a heartbeat, everything changed. I realised that life is far greater and precious than we know.

This is truly the next chapter... 
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1 comment

  1. Oh my, what a beautiful post! My heart wants to burst! Congratulations!

    ReplyDelete

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