2015 has been all kinds of crazy in a somewhat maddening, unrealistic vs realistic and soul searching way. I started the year not knowing what was ahead, I was at a loss as to what I was meant to be doing (with my life, hello?), and I had a feeling of absolute gut-wrenching pain deep inside of me. I wanted more. So much more.
But dare catch it?
The Blue Lagoon, Iceland - Boxing Day.
When I began listening to my dreams, my aches, and my hunger – I noticed that the determination grew and the anguish deepened. My job was dead end, and made my imagination often run away with itself (I almost dared to drive to the beach one day). I imagined up scenario after scenario of escaping the clutches of an unfulfilled 9-5. Then I threw the dice and catapulted myself head first into a brand new world – which was one of the most life-changing moments, but I ended up feeling completely alien in a very grown-up life.
I realise now that dreams determine the future. I tell people to have many dreams, because relying on just one to make you happy, doesn’t equal happiness. My 16-year old self proclaimed a boy would make her happy, my 21-year old self proclaimed a car would make her happy – but hey guess what none of those things did. Not wholesomely.
Is it just me that is greedy? Or is it in fact, we all are.
I never imagined a life where I would work in a field which naturally breeds competiveness. But, then I remember I searched long and hard for that job, and the fact it came at a time in my life where my heart was aching, and my desire was overriding my happiness. I realise this is my time – to toughen up.
Travel eclipsed me this year. I travelled far further than I could have ever pinned. 15 flights, 3 countries, 3 Islands and 4 cities. Yes, I did it mostly with my incredible husband hand in hand, something we dreamed up on Honeymoon last year. And, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Something inside of me – the dreams (they are definitely real), take a hold of me and suddenly I find myself bathing an elephant in the middle of the rainforest.
In all honesty this blog, sometimes serves as an open letter to myself, a reminder of who I am and why I love with all of my heart, and express my every emotion in written form. I taught myself to never look back in life, and always search for happiness.
If I told you I was as uncertain as I was at the start of the year – then that would be a lie. I am certain of my dreams. Foremost I have the desire for adventure, and the love and passion for my job – I never did have.
But, have I got it sussed? Absolutely fucking not.