I’m writing this on my hotel balcony in Thailand , it’s very early in the
morning and I can’t sleep (It’s a combination of heat and tiredness). We
arrived in Phuket yesterday – after a 7 day trip around Bangkok ,
Ayutthaya and
Chiang Mai. What can I say – other than my life has changed, undoubtedly
forever.
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| Getting ready for a fabulous evening of food & drinks in Bangkok two nights ago, |
When we left Heathrow late Friday night 10 days ago, I felt
pushed. Pushed for time, pushed for energy and almost certainly pushed for
emotion. Thailand
has restored my faith in humanity, given me clarity and a renewed zest for life
and adventure.
I have had my fair share of troubles in life – I’m not
scared to admit that, because they have made me the person that I am today. I’m
a fighter – I always have been, ever since being born prematurely and starting
life in an incubator, I have fought my way through shyness, bullies, mental
illness, troubled friendships & being desperately overweight and unhappy.
When I say mental illness – it’s something I’ve never written or spoken about before,
ever.
When I was fifteen, about to enter my final year at school
(Y11) I found myself in an impossible situation. I have only ever told my
husband the events of that fateful afternoon – my family have never spoken
about it ever since and sometimes I feel like it didn’t happen, but today I want
to let go of it, for good.
I was fifteen years old, and had begun a difficult puberty –
when I say difficult, it was no different to what most teenagers’ experience. I
suddenly had a bust, a period and an undeniable attraction and obsession with
Leonardo Dicaprio, Gareth Gates & Westlife. Yes, I was that cool.
The part that didn’t sit well with me – was the sudden
change in people. My friends chose cigarettes, nights out and extraordinary
sleepovers that mostly involved pursuing the opposite sex. I just wasn’t ready
– and still wanted to keep my childhood close. Barbie was still my pal, Bugs
Bunny still slept in my bed, and above all I was far
too INNOCENT.
I had a basic understanding of sex, and adulthood – but that
was all. When my classmates used sensitive language, sexual references and
innuendos, I often failed to understand or grasp the ‘joke’ even when it was on
me. I remember my very first history
class, Andrew Baker (the class joker), directly asked me if I was a ‘lesbian’
and I was mortified as I had never come across the word before – what did it
mean? I quietly replied ‘no’ – taking my chances, thankfully I gave the correct
answer.
Did it make me the odd one out, because at eleven years old
my parents had never explained to me what a lesbian was?
School grew increasingly harder, and I became less
interested in my lessons and far more fixated on escaping the troubles of
teenage life. I didn’t choose one best friend – instead I
befriended two already ‘best friends’ which seemed a good idea at the time, but
sitting together in class, doubling up in P.E just didn’t work as I was always the
odd one out.
The thing I hated most about being a teenager was the
uncertainty – life was hugely clouded with doubt. Every day posed a new problem
for me – from having no one to sit with at dinner time, to how to stop the
bullies calling me fat, ugly or a lesbian (that word crept up a lot at my
school).
I realised today, that I was a scared little girl – who
found it hard to accept how life was so rapidly changing around her. It’s
nobody’s fault I struggled though, or that I self-harmed and spent the entire
year(s) afterwards being called the school ‘psycho’ a name that stuck to me
like glue, and I never shook off until way into my second year at college.
Thailand
has taught me so much about culture, taught me the meaning of respect, and
boosted my quest for adventure - but most of all it’s given me a true reflection
of my life & significantly where I am at.
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A magical day - Swimming at Erawan Waterfalls
|
If only, I could have told the fifteen year old me that one
day things would be majorly different. Ten years later I would be happily
married to an incredible man, own our first home, be able to drive a car, have
a beautiful cat, and get paid a salary to work a full time job – then I
wouldn’t have believed it.
I wanted more than anything for 2015 to be the year of
change, I wanted clarity and I’m definitely feeling close to achieving that.
♥
