Hey, Baby

I’ve reached a point in my life where segments fit together, I’m no longer the lost teenage adolescent or the fresh faced early twenties girl. I’m a married woman, with a loving husband and beautifully crafted home. I still have some challenges to face, and my own personal and professional goals, but there is one BIG question ahead...

When are you having a baby?

 

I always knew I wanted to be a Mum – this was never out of the question, but timing is key.  I have always lived by the rule that I want to be able to provide my child with opportunities I never had.  I’ve learnt some incredibly tough lessons in life, and believe me I still consider myself to be ‘learning’.

I want to be able to teach my child to be confident, proud, and optimistic in all aspects of their life – all areas myself I struggle with. Would it be fair to expect somebody else to be something I am not?  

Emotionally, I love with all of my heart. My husband is the single most important individual in my life. I’ve always wondered if I could love a child – I have a complicated and sometimes distant relationship with my own Mum, and have told myself so many times that I don’t want history to repeat itself.   

I also know that my husband’s love is borrowed, for a daughter would consume a large chunk and ultimately become his apple. I know of this rare, unbreakable love, because of the love of my own Father. When I wake up in the middle of the night scared, I still unknowingly shout for him. When I get really upset and cry, it is always for him. Because, he was the first man to care for me. Am I ready to share my husband's love and affection?  

When we planned our wedding, we always were set on having a significant gap between starting a family.  It might seem unusual to some, but we both feel there are certain things, and most significantly places; we still want to see.  

Of course comes the question of fertility, I guess nobody is quite sure whether they will be able to have a child. My body has seen some big changes, and when at my lowest weight, my best friend quietly mentioned whether I had considered the damage it could have on my fertility. I was so grateful she had been brave enough to question me, because up until that moment I hadn’t really forseen the future.

I’m not scared of having a baby; I’ve grown to welcome the idea. I even sometimes, occasionally find myself wandering into the baby section, and at occasions such as Halloween and Christmas I do often wonder how wonderful it would be to have a little someone with us.

But right now I’m just not ready.  And I am more than certain, that that is completely okay.  

 Follow
 my blog with Bloglovin