Hey, Baby

I’ve reached a point in my life where segments fit together, I’m no longer the lost teenage adolescent or the fresh faced early twenties girl. I’m a married woman, with a loving husband and beautifully crafted home. I still have some challenges to face, and my own personal and professional goals, but there is one BIG question ahead...

When are you having a baby?

 

I always knew I wanted to be a Mum – this was never out of the question, but timing is key.  I have always lived by the rule that I want to be able to provide my child with opportunities I never had.  I’ve learnt some incredibly tough lessons in life, and believe me I still consider myself to be ‘learning’.

I want to be able to teach my child to be confident, proud, and optimistic in all aspects of their life – all areas myself I struggle with. Would it be fair to expect somebody else to be something I am not?  

Emotionally, I love with all of my heart. My husband is the single most important individual in my life. I’ve always wondered if I could love a child – I have a complicated and sometimes distant relationship with my own Mum, and have told myself so many times that I don’t want history to repeat itself.   

I also know that my husband’s love is borrowed, for a daughter would consume a large chunk and ultimately become his apple. I know of this rare, unbreakable love, because of the love of my own Father. When I wake up in the middle of the night scared, I still unknowingly shout for him. When I get really upset and cry, it is always for him. Because, he was the first man to care for me. Am I ready to share my husband's love and affection?  

When we planned our wedding, we always were set on having a significant gap between starting a family.  It might seem unusual to some, but we both feel there are certain things, and most significantly places; we still want to see.  

Of course comes the question of fertility, I guess nobody is quite sure whether they will be able to have a child. My body has seen some big changes, and when at my lowest weight, my best friend quietly mentioned whether I had considered the damage it could have on my fertility. I was so grateful she had been brave enough to question me, because up until that moment I hadn’t really forseen the future.

I’m not scared of having a baby; I’ve grown to welcome the idea. I even sometimes, occasionally find myself wandering into the baby section, and at occasions such as Halloween and Christmas I do often wonder how wonderful it would be to have a little someone with us.

But right now I’m just not ready.  And I am more than certain, that that is completely okay.  

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When I Met The Hairy Dieters

When I started my weight loss journey at the beginning of 2013 I was so oblivious to how ‘diets’ worked. They were like a foreign language to me and counting calories gave me a headache. I needed some guidance and the best diet cookbook I ever found, used, loved, lived by was The Hairy Bikers ‘Hairy Dieters’ How To Love Food and Lose Weight.

 

This book served as a Bible in my first 6 months of dieting. We found our firm favourites – roasted cod with parma ham and peppers, spanish style chicken bake and the glorious chilli con carne. This book produced real food, with great kick and taste, but crucially without the guilt and added calories.

 

When Book 2 came out last year we rushed out to buy it, and again the book was well loved and used in our household almost daily. The fast chicken fajita recipe conviced us to finally ditch the Old El Paso sachets, proof is in the state of the page after a few too many spice explosions...

So when Book 3 was released a few weeks ago I was eager to add it to our collection, it was by chance I spotted a book signing poster, Si and Dave where coming along to my supermarket to sign copies of the book.

 

Of course, I had to go. Something inside of me owed a lot to these two humble guys.

When I got to the front of the queue I nervously giggled, but proudly showed them my ‘before and after’ photos, Si looked at me and asked how I felt now to have lost the weight. They both looked at my husband and said he must be so proud of me.

 

That was the first time in my life, bar passing my driving test and walking out of church with Simon on our wedding day, that I genuinely felt proud to be me.
Big Thank You Si & Dave 
♥

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My Bikini Body

I initially wanted to write this post a while ago, a bikini body is something we as women countlessly stress about, and up until I reached 24 years old I had never owned a two piece bikini before – purely because I was so ashamed of my body.  I lost a lot of weight in the lead up to my wedding and when I look at photos of myself on Honeymoon I see a very slim figure - with little way of curves or a bust. The smile on my face is real, but the body confidence is gone. I see the slimmest version of me, and a much younger looking body - of almost a teenager.

In Dubai, I finally found that confidence I had been looking for again - I walked out in my bikini and felt both happy and healthy. I wasn't the slimmest person on the beach, but for once it didn't matter. Since getting married, I have allowed myself to enjoy food again - and not live with such tight rules. I've realised that my body isn’t naturally ‘slim or slender’ but real. I run, I work out, and I think my body reflects that - I would find it incredibly hard not to keep fit.  

I still have a small bust, and skinny arms, but my legs, my stomach and my general physique is much more well-balanced now. I don’t look at the photos anymore and see a little girl, I see a woman and that is what I am and want to be.

Exercise, diet and running will always remain a part of my life – but I want to live a long term healthy lifestyle. Having experienced being both overweight and almost 'underweight' I've learnt that the only person that you need to please is yourself. You have to find the balance in life.

Being a woman is hard, but learning to love yourself is far more harder than I ever imagined.

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Dreams & Dubai

This year has undoubtedly been the greatest year of my life – our dream wedding, Honeymoon, my 25^th birthday and this October my husband’s 30^th birthday… which led to a very big surprise.

I have never been one for organising or planning ‘trips’ – to be honest I never thought I was capable of planning a holiday, but somehow, and with a very lot of thought and research I planned a secret escape for Simon’s 30^th Birthday.

Destination: Dubai.

Surprising him at work, and leaving straight for the airport (bags packed) was all part of the fun and mischief.
We had the most (inexpensive) window shop at Duty Free, and boarded our flight with our hearts firmly intertwined.

I can only describe Dubai as truly luxurious - it’s clear to see that wealth is a common theme in Dubai. With its amazing sky scrapers, landmarks and golden beaches - it’s truly beautiful. I am so glad I chose Dubai as the chosen destination, because it was a complete surprise in every sense and will remain a birthday to remember.  

I am so proud of Simon – he’s achieved so much, and has worked so hard to establish a career, not to mention the time, effort, love and devotion he has put into our relationship and marriage.

I wanted Dubai to be special for us both – and it was by far spectacular in every sense. I never dreamed that I would be celebrating in the middle of the desert and watching the sunset, but that’s the beauty of life… there is always room for surprise. When we arrived home from Honeymoon in late June – I felt a deep pain and longing for Fiji. I was scared I would never feel the same way I did whilst there – but Dubai you confirmed that those feelings - as rare, beautiful and sparkling they are, are always there deep down and can return in an instance.   

Four days away in paradise, in such a diverse and modern city has taught me that dreams are most certainly for living.
♥

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