I always no matter what follow my heart and have always found my only comfort in expressing my thoughts through my writing. My last post was so poignant for me, because I’d been offered a job – a job I thought was the 'real deal', something I could actually call a job, and this was finally the end to all that mountain of never ending rejection. This was me genuinely thrilled, happy, overjoyed and grateful for the opportunity.
When you are so convinced something is so right for you, and then it turns out to be completely the opposite to what you thought, imagined and wanted it to be, you can’t help but feel ultimately crushed, broken, angry, hurt and disappointed. I am feeling all of these emotions and more right now.
I got offered the job and couldn’t quite believe my luck, I believed I had changed, I thought my confidence had got better and that I wasn’t severely lacking any - it’s now apparent that I probably wasn’t that different than usual, it’s that I was hired solely because they were desperate for staff. Believe me I am not asking for miracles, I am not asking for a top end job, with a fetching salary, I just want to be treated with some respect and hired out of good will and suitability for the job, not out of desperation.
I won’t go into great detail, but physical demands of the job were unbelievable and that even a much stronger and taller person would struggle with. How on earth can someone at 5'1" be expected to be on their feet 12 hours a day, pulling a heavy weight around. The fact that I wasn’t given proper training and basically told to do three shadow sessions, and then work on my own completely from then on, was truly ludicrous.
The thing I cannot understand is why at interview they failed to mention any of this to me and the job advertised wasn’t the true description of the role. Of course I am disappointed, what I thought was the best opportunity I’ve ever had, has somehow spiralled into the worst experience I’ve ever had. My confidence in myself and my ability is in tatters – I have zero, I barely could make it out of the house today, without having to hold back tears.
To add to the upset, I gave my charity shop job up for this, and I found out today it’s too late to get it back – meaning I have given up something I loved and was good at for absolutely nothing. I feel so stupid and cheated. All I ever wanted was a job, just like everybody else. Some money coming into the house and some routine in my life.
Right now I’ve never felt so defeated.