I want to tell you a secret.
[From my beloved scrapbook]
I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 19. If I could go back now and tell myself: It’s okay, you don’t need a boyfriend to be cool, and he will come when the time is ready. Then believe me I would scream it from the rooftops.
I fell into such a confused place when I was a teenager, a place that will always probably be the unhappiest in my life. Yet I can admit to myself now, if I had thought about things in a different light, maybe it could have been different for me.
At school it was apparent that the ‘popular’ girls had boyfriends, usually older than them. I never really saw those girls as the same person as me, they were pretty, clever and had ‘in my eyes’ everything. So I guess I was used to being the one who didn’t have a boyfriend.
The time it hurt me most was right at the end of Year 11, when Prom was announced. Not one boy suggested or asked me to be their date. (Do I blame them? No because they probably already had dates with their then girlfriends)
Needless to say I never got a Prom night.
At college, things changed. It wasn’t a petty playground anymore; it was a lot more of a grown up environment.
I admittedly was dressed to kill (in the worst sort of way) for the first three weeks of college I wore nothing but black and swung around my artificially coloured red and black hair. It wasn’t the best first impression; I can look back and say that now. I might as well have turned up with a ‘keep away’ sign around my neck.
Appearance can be one thing. But peer pressure is another.
I wasn’t bullied for not having a boyfriend, but what I found to be much worse, I was left out.
I saw it all around me constantly boy and girl hand in hand, it got to the point where I once counted the amount of people in my Sociology class (instead of learning about erm...Social relationships) who ‘had’ a boyfriend and would always put myself at the bottom of the pile when it came to attractiveness. Now for a 17 year old girl, this was a huge strain on my shoulders.
Things declined dramatically when I then went onto my second college. Now it was an environment of ‘typical girly girls’ who constantly wanted to talk about their boyfriends. From an outside point of view you could say I was jealous. Of course I was.
They would arrive on Monday morning with all these tales of romance and candle-lit dinners. When all I had to show for my weekend was the X-Factor and a trip to Tesco with my Mum.
I hated every single minute of being in that class, purely because I let it get to me.
Friendships tend to be a difficult path to go down too. When you are so close to someone so much so you think that they will always be in your life, it can give you a shock when they meet a boy and you don’t see them again for the rest of the summer. I have lost friendships because of this. Lets face it it’s always going to get a little ‘bitchy’ when it comes to two girls chasing the same boy. Its funny how one boy can ruin a whole friendship that you thought was built on trust and loyalty. But again you live and learn.
If I had known I would meet the love of my life in the February after leaving college, then all this could have been a little more bearable. Unfortunately no one has a crystal ball, and all those fears and anxiety I had about turning into Bridget Jones, as daft as it sounds were real. And I lived through it.
If this post has any significance at all, I hope it just reassures you. The one thing I wanted for so many years I couldn’t have, yet when I wasn’t looking for it, it arrived.