Tuesday, 7 December 2010

I want to tell you a secret.

I write a lot of thoughts, but often keep them to myself, but this was on my mind today...


[From my beloved scrapbook]

I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 19. If I could go back now and tell myself: It’s okay, you don’t need a boyfriend to be cool, and he will come when the time is ready. Then believe me I would scream it from the rooftops.

I fell into such a confused place when I was a teenager, a place that will always probably be the unhappiest in my life. Yet I can admit to myself now, if I had thought about things in a different light, maybe it could have been different for me.

At school it was apparent that the ‘popular’ girls had boyfriends, usually older than them. I never really saw those girls as the same person as me, they were pretty, clever and had ‘in my eyes’ everything. So I guess I was used to being the one who didn’t have a boyfriend.

The time it hurt me most was right at the end of Year 11, when Prom was announced. Not one boy suggested or asked me to be their date. (Do I blame them? No because they probably already had dates with their then girlfriends)
Needless to say I never got a Prom night.

At college, things changed. It wasn’t a petty playground anymore; it was a lot more of a grown up environment.
I admittedly was dressed to kill (in the worst sort of way) for the first three weeks of college I wore nothing but black and swung around my artificially coloured red and black hair. It wasn’t the best first impression; I can look back and say that now. I might as well have turned up with a ‘keep away’ sign around my neck.

Appearance can be one thing. But peer pressure is another.
I wasn’t bullied for not having a boyfriend, but what I found to be much worse, I was left out.

I saw it all around me constantly boy and girl hand in hand, it got to the point where I once counted the amount of people in my Sociology class (instead of learning about erm...Social relationships) who ‘had’ a boyfriend and would always put myself at the bottom of the pile when it came to attractiveness. Now for a 17 year old girl, this was a huge strain on my shoulders.

Things declined dramatically when I then went onto my second college. Now it was an environment of ‘typical girly girls’ who constantly wanted to talk about their boyfriends. From an outside point of view you could say I was jealous. Of course I was.
They would arrive on Monday morning with all these tales of romance and candle-lit dinners. When all I had to show for my weekend was the X-Factor and a trip to Tesco with my Mum.

I hated every single minute of being in that class, purely because I let it get to me.

Friendships tend to be a difficult path to go down too. When you are so close to someone so much so you think that they will always be in your life, it can give you a shock when they meet a boy and you don’t see them again for the rest of the summer. I have lost friendships because of this. Lets face it it’s always going to get a little ‘bitchy’ when it comes to two girls chasing the same boy. Its funny how one boy can ruin a whole friendship that you thought was built on trust and loyalty. But again you live and learn.

If I had known I would meet the love of my life in the February after leaving college, then all this could have been a little more bearable. Unfortunately no one has a crystal ball, and all those fears and anxiety I had about turning into Bridget Jones, as daft as it sounds were real. And I lived through it.

If this post has any significance at all, I hope it just reassures you. The one thing I wanted for so many years I couldn’t have, yet when I wasn’t looking for it, it arrived.
x
Share:

18 comments

  1. alice i never left you out in college!!!!!!! take that back hahahaha i loved you then and i love you now <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxx your so right with everything whether its a Gothic stage or what ever we all go through a weird patch xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. aww what a heartfelt post - I remember feeling this way also, so you weren't the only one :) xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is so lovely to hear, I go to an all-girls school and my friends from other schools constantly talk about their boyfriends, they think I'm weird for being shy. Thank you :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Such a brave and candid post, I'm sure it will help others to know they are in the same boat now as you were in then, and there are lots of them you know. Although I did have boyfriends from the age of about 16, I still never felt secure and always felt that my friends were more popular/attractive/nicer than me. It took me a long time to actually like myself and feel confident that if people didn't like me for who I am it is not a problem, they are just people who are not on my wavelength and it isn't a reflection on me personally. Truth be told I was in my late thirties before I developed a more secure attitude to myself.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This has been really reassuring for me!. I feel exactly the same as you did in college. I have lost one very good friend because she felt her boyfriend was more important. I'm constantly putting myself down and convincing myself i'm ugly and unattractive but reading this has definitely given me hope!. x

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh Alice, I'm quite choked up actually. This was me Alice, this was me for nearly all of high school. I am so glad you can look back on it now and realise it made you stronger, I promise you it did. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks for this, it definitely made me feel more positive and gave me something to think about. Well done for having the confidence to post about it xxx

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh what a lovely post Alice.

    I was similar in the sense that I never had a boyfriend at school/Sixth Form. Actually, I didn't really have one during uni either - clearly am a late starter! Luckily I never got any grief for it and I'm so sorry you had such miserable times.

    ReplyDelete
  9. what a beautiful post, alice. i'm actually tearing up! :') i'm eighteen and a half (oh my goodness i'm eighteen and a half already? it only just feels like i turned eighteen! hehe), and have never had a boyfriend. it both bothers me and doesn't at the same time - i don't want a boyfriend because others do, because to be honest i don't really get jealous at other people's relationships or feel peer pressure about that anymore. i simply would like one because i feel like i'm ready to be in a relationship and would like to feel 'loved'...etc.

    this is one of the best posts you have ever written. you should write more like this!

    you are such a lovely person alice, thank-you for being so kind to me! xxx

    ReplyDelete
  10. oh alice, i just recieved your christmas card ad presents! :) thank-you ever so much! you are a girl after my own heart, with the brown paper, mini pegs and little tags - thank-you! the little book is too adorable and the mirror is beautiful. xxxx

    p.s. i really do hope you recieve your card soon, i just sent it as normal delivery, i thought i may as well because the last couple of times i sent things recorded they still got lost in the post :( xxx

    ReplyDelete
  11. this is just a beautiful post and somewhat my same story. I didn't have a boyfriend (now fiancee) until I was 19 going on 20. And, I felt the same way you did, jealous, envious, annoyed at myself for not being like the other girls, etc. I was always quite the loner and always ended up being the best friend of the guy she liked. But one day I just stopped being like that, stopped making myself feel less than other girls and I built up my confidence and waited for that right guy to show up.

    xo
    Sophie

    ReplyDelete
  12. i think i was lucky that although i didn't have a boyfriend all the way through high school and college, most of my friends were the same - in fact the whole year were more concerned with 'groups' then couples. i can totally relate to being ditched for a guy though, that was the part that pissed me off, i couldn't believe that someone would give up all that freedom and friendships for a relationship anyway. this was a great post and i'm glad you've met your mr darcy now, i'll be ready when mine turns up but i'm still not looking :) x

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is such a beautiful and heartfelt post, thank you so much for sharing.

    I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 22, how old is that?! It was worth the wait though. I was lucky at school because none of my friends had boyfriends either so I think it meant I was much closer to my girlfriends because of that. But it got to me more at uni when everyone as you say seemed to be paired off, and I was still on my own.

    Having a boyfriend and feeling loved and special is absolutely amazing, but having a boyfriend just for the sake of it is really not cool, it just seems that way when you are the only one that doesn't!

    ReplyDelete
  14. thank you so much for writing this - it was so brave, honest and heartfelt. literally was on BBM to my friend before i read this joking about how i would "die alone", cause it does get to me. i've been in and out of a few "things" and had dates and things, but nothing sticks, all around me i see girls getting played and boys cheating everywhere. having been cheated on so much myself i just find it hard to trust anyone enough to start a relationship. thank you for this post :) xx

    ReplyDelete
  15. I love this post very heartfelt and honest.

    I know how much these things used to bother you, but think of it this way - no matter what I said or how I tried to convince even myself, the two years of college were some of the unhappiest of my life.

    Being with the wrong boy can mess you up more then not being with one at all.

    I'm glad we have both found ourselves such perfect men in time :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Amazing post <3 I'm 14 and I knwo exactly how you felt back then, I'm not popular either so I get it :) xx

    ReplyDelete
  17. Wonderful post. I really can relate to this SO much. I grew up as the only girl in my group of friends without a boyfriend and I thought it was a reflection on me as a person. I was also 19 when I started dating my first boyfriend (2 and a half years later we're still going strong!) and honestly, I'm so happy with him and wish I could go back to 15 year old me and tell her that everything was going to fall into place perfectly. I really related to this post so much..thanks for sharing. I'm going to follow :)

    ReplyDelete

© Fig Love | All rights reserved.
Blogger Template Designed by pipdig