Monday, 25 May 2015

A Note To My Younger Self

I’m writing this on my hotel balcony in Thailand, it’s very early in the morning and I can’t sleep (It’s a combination of heat and tiredness). We arrived in Phuket yesterday – after a 7 day trip around Bangkok, Ayutthaya and Chiang Mai. What can I say – other than my life has changed, undoubtedly forever.
Getting ready for a fabulous evening of food & drinks in Bangkok two nights ago,
When we left Heathrow late Friday night 10 days ago, I felt pushed. Pushed for time, pushed for energy and almost certainly pushed for emotion. Thailand has restored my faith in humanity, given me clarity and a renewed zest for life and adventure.

I have had my fair share of troubles in life – I’m not scared to admit that, because they have made me the person that I am today. I’m a fighter – I always have been, ever since being born prematurely and starting life in an incubator, I have fought my way through shyness, bullies, mental illness, troubled friendships & being desperately overweight and unhappy. When I say mental illness – it’s something I’ve never written or spoken about before, ever.

When I was fifteen, about to enter my final year at school (Y11) I found myself in an impossible situation. I have only ever told my husband the events of that fateful afternoon – my family have never spoken about it ever since and sometimes I feel like it didn’t happen, but today I want to let go of it, for good.

I was fifteen years old, and had begun a difficult puberty – when I say difficult, it was no different to what most teenagers’ experience. I suddenly had a bust, a period and an undeniable attraction and obsession with Leonardo Dicaprio, Gareth Gates & Westlife. Yes, I was that cool.

The part that didn’t sit well with me – was the sudden change in people. My friends chose cigarettes, nights out and extraordinary sleepovers that mostly involved pursuing the opposite sex. I just wasn’t ready – and still wanted to keep my childhood close. Barbie was still my pal, Bugs Bunny still slept in my bed, and above all I was far too INNOCENT.

I had a basic understanding of sex, and adulthood – but that was all. When my classmates used sensitive language, sexual references and innuendos, I often failed to understand or grasp the ‘joke’ even when it was on me.  I remember my very first history class, Andrew Baker (the class joker), directly asked me if I was a ‘lesbian’ and I was mortified as I had never come across the word before – what did it mean? I quietly replied ‘no’ – taking my chances, thankfully I gave the correct answer.

Did it make me the odd one out, because at eleven years old my parents had never explained to me what a lesbian was?

School grew increasingly harder, and I became less interested in my lessons and far more fixated on escaping the troubles of teenage life. I didn’t choose one best friend – instead I befriended two already ‘best friends’ which seemed a good idea at the time, but sitting together in class, doubling up in P.E just didn’t work as I was always the odd one out.

The thing I hated most about being a teenager was the uncertainty – life was hugely clouded with doubt. Every day posed a new problem for me – from having no one to sit with at dinner time, to how to stop the bullies calling me fat, ugly or a lesbian (that word crept up a lot at my school).

I realised today, that I was a scared little girl – who found it hard to accept how life was so rapidly changing around her. It’s nobody’s fault I struggled though, or that I self-harmed and spent the entire year(s) afterwards being called the school ‘psycho’ a name that stuck to me like glue, and I never shook off until way into my second year at college.

A magical day - Swimming at Erawan Waterfalls
If only, I could have told the fifteen year old me that one day things would be majorly different. Ten years later I would be happily married to an incredible man, own our first home, be able to drive a car, have a beautiful cat, and get paid a salary to work a full time job – then I wouldn’t have believed it.

Thailand has taught me so much about culture, taught me the meaning of respect, and boosted my quest for adventure - but most of all it’s given me a true reflection of my life & significantly where I am at.

I wanted more than anything for 2015 to be the year of change, I wanted clarity and I’m definitely feeling close to achieving that.

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Friday, 15 May 2015

Wanderlust.

We leave for Thailand in a few hours’ time... I'm feeling all kinds of excitement for this trip, as it is our first trip to Asia and our first big adventure since our Honeymoon last year.

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So much love, care and thought has gone into the past 9 months of planning this trip.
We are going to be travelling around Bangkok and Chiang Mai, and then heading to Phuket to celebrate our very first wedding anniversary. (It's going to be emotional come the 24th).

It's been an especially tiring couple of months at work and at home too. Spending months of solid training for my half marathon and a fair amount of time afterwards running. I guess, I can admit I'm ready for a break.

I definitely am excited to explore, discover, but most of all become relaxed and find some calm and balance. Yoga, meditation and relaxation are all very much on my agenda, as well as fulfilling my one true love - writing.

See you soon.
Mrs Taylor